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Not A Party

15 May 2018

Not A Party candidate Liam Walsh: Doing The Least For Northcote

Yeah gidday Northcote, I’m Liam Walsh and I’ve got an important message for you about an upcoming opportunity to do things better. In fact it’s really just an opportunity to do things, they don’t even have to be better as long as you do them for yourself.

Earlier this year, Jonathan Coleman decided his cot was far too full of toys and it was time to throw them out. The opposition benches weren’t as comfortable as he’d expected they might be and he just wasn’t having it anymore. While I understand that some of you might be upset that he stood for election and didn’t even finish his term, this is actually a great kindness for the people of Northcote.

Some of you will be over the moon for an opportunity to no longer have a member of the National party representing you, some of you will be eagerly anticipating the chance to make sure a member of the Labour party doesn’t represent you for the remainder of this term. Some of you might be looking forward to voting against any of the candidates who have put their names forward, I’m sure the vast majority of you will feel that way about me and that’s GOOD.

In fact it’s so good that you want to vote against the majority of these candidates that I’m really only here to help you take the next logical step: go one better, vote against all of us by not voting, your non-vote counts! If this seems crazy to you let me explain further.

Northcote, you’ve had Coleman since 2005, that’s a long time in anyone’s book, and honestly what’s he done? He’s been busy playing kings and emperors, involved in positioning and power struggles, followed John Key around like a puppy dog, said some mean things about some other time wasters and probably any number of other pointless and ineffective activities.

Let’s be honest: a vast majority of, if not all of, the things that have happened to you, for you and around you since 2005 have had nothing at all to do with Coleman. You’ve made your own decisions and done your best or your worst—or something in between—based on your own judgement, and you’ve paid Coleman and 120-odd other politicians a fat sack of cash for the right to do so.

What I’m promising you, Northcote, is that nothing needs to change. If elected, I commit to being an even less effective MP than Jonathan: I’ll do even less than he did, participate even less in democracy and have even less of an impact on your lives because, unlike any of the other candidates, I’ve got faith in you. You’ve got this. You can get together in your communities and make your own calls.

I’ll also cost you nothing at all because, to be honest, I’ve got a lot of lawns to mow down Wellington and I just don’t have time to muck around in Parliament. The only time you’ll ever hear “Liam Walsh”, “swearing” and “the Queen” in the same sentence will absolutely not be a revelation that I’ve publicly lied by taking the Parliamentary Oath so don’t worry about that.

If you’re still confused by now, you’re probably thinking “there’s no way I’m voting for this guy” and, if you stop and think about it for a few minutes, that actually means you’ve understood perfectly and you’ve done it all by yourself! No having to pay me taxes, no being arrested by my employees for not doing what I’ve said and no need to ask me permission to do things that I wouldn’t have known or cared you were doing anyway.

TL;DR: Please don’t vote for me but also PLEASE don’t vote, for me.

Liam Walsh
[email protected]

ENDS